Your relationship’s zooming ahead in top gear. You’re on a one‑way street to happy ever after, and all the lights are on green. But there’s one thing that makes you want to slam on the brakes ... your boyfriend’s involved with another woman. There is, however, a twist: although he’s over there chatting to the curvaceous female in the mini‑skirt, he claims they’re only mates. Yes, you’re in love with a man who says he can just be good friends with a woman.
Too close for comfort
So, where does that leave you? The debate over whether men and women can have platonic relationships rages on. If you’ve been out with a guy who has close female friends, you’ll know how hard it is to deal with the mixed emotions his friendships create. You find yourself wondering: How close are they? What do they talk about when they go out? Does he discuss his deepest thoughts with her? Do they talk about you?
With all these questions running around in your head, it’s no wonder you ask yourself why he has to have female friends. Is he trying to keep you on your toes? Is he having an affair behind your back? Aren’t you enough for him? Thoughts like this can get out of hand very quickly!
But, as Anne Hooper, sex therapist and author of Anne Hooper’s Ultimate Sex Guide says, “It’s natural to have friends of both sexes. The world would be a boring place if we had to screen out 50% of the people in it.”
This means it’s not the sex of his friends that’s important but the type of female friends he has (which is largely out of your control), and the way you handle them (which is definitely within your control). These factors will decide the effect his women friends have on your relationship.
The shock of the new
One thing that’s hard to take is a new female friend making an appearance once your relationship is established. Laura, 22, had a difficult time with her boyfriend Tim when he started college and made friends with Sara. Laura understood he was in a new environment and wanted to meet other new students, but Sara was a nightmare. She’d ring and giggle when Laura answered, then coyly ask to speak to Tim. “She’d call at all hours and never tried to chat with me,” says Laura. “It was obvious she had no respect for my relationship with Tim. I might as well have not existed – I’m sure she wished I didn’t.”
At first, Tim couldn’t see it. He thought Laura was just jealous. Then he did a Will Carling and met Sara one night without telling Laura, simply because he didn’t want to annoy her. But like Julia Carling, who blew her top over Will’s tête‑à-têtes with the late Princess Diana, Laura was livid. “It was the worst thing he could have done,” she fumes. “I was really upset and thought they were having an affair. Why else would he go behind my back? What really upset me was that I didn’t believe she was just a friend. A real friend wouldn’t threaten a guy’s relationship with his girlfriend.”
So, to figure out if you need to worry or not, look closely at their friendship and see how it affects you. As Laura says, “If both of them make it obvious you’re above her in the pecking order, it’s okay. But if she’s trying to wheedle her way higher up than you in his affections, you’ve got problems.” And if he can’t see through her or doesn’t want to, you’ve got a big problem. Ask yourself if he's just playing the two of you off against each other, and using her as a way of making sure you don’t get too close or start feeling too comfortable. If this is how your boyfriend sees his female friends ‑ and you ‑ it makes you wonder whether he deserves any of you.
Leave them to it
On the other hand, if he ‑ and his female friends ‑ make every effort to acknowledge your special place in his heart, and treat you with respect, then their friendship is probably genuine. In which case the best thing you can do for all your sakes is just leave them to it.
“Louise has known my boyfriend Steve for years, they were at school together, and are both comic fans,” says Kara, 28. “Every time they go to a convention Steve asks me along, too. But I went once and was bored, so now they go without me. I can’t say I’m thrilled. But I’m okay about it because Louise is always polite to me and makes a point of asking me about my life when she phones. If I put my foot down and demanded Steve stopped going, he probably would... but I think he’d hate me for it. Anyway, I can’t watch him 24 hours a day. I have to trust him, otherwise our relationship couldn’t survive.”
Kara’s obviously thought through her natural feelings of jealousy but, if we’re honest, we do worry sex may enter the most innocent friendship. Why? Simply because sometimes we get lonely and need a confidence boost, and there they are, ready and maybe more able than we suspected.
Take this scenario: you and your partner have had a row, you storm off to stay at your mum’s, he calls up an old female pal to help drown his sorrows. If she’s there for him when you’re not, there’s always the chance the ‘sympathy‑sex’ card gets played. Says Hooper, “In this situation, what happens is beyond your control. The only person who’ll stop him having sex with his female friends is himself.”
But don’t tear your hair out just yet. The way you behave can either boost his self‑control ‑ or make him more tempted. “My ex always wanted to know every detail when I went out with my one female friend,” says Mark, 26. “I got sick of her jealousy. And I felt insulted. I trusted her not to play around, so why couldn’t she trust me?”
He has a point. Just as you can fancy a man, but not jump into bed with him, if your partner is committed to your relationship he’s capable of keeping a female friend at arm’s‑length, too. However, to keep this delicate balance intact Hooper believes you’ve got to face the fact that there will be an attraction between your boyfriend and his female friends. “With any friendship there’s an attraction between the people involved, it may be a sense of humour, it may be liking the way they look or their intelligence. But don’t confuse this attraction with sexuality. And don’t let your jealousy push him into seeing her in a sexual way just because you automatically assume that’s the way he sees her. Jealousy has a tendency to create its own problems in the end.”
So, if you can, take a deep breath and force yourself to give him space. Otherwise you’ll run the risk of forcing him into her arms instead of yours.
It’s only natural
But before you rush off for counselling because you’ve been known to get a bit jealous, it’s important to remember a dose of green‑eyes isn’t always negative. It’s perfectly natural and healthy to have some jealous feelings towards the other women in your man’s life ‑ it shows an interest in keeping him, and proves you value him. “Your jealousy is your antenna,” explains relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam. “It’s your way of feeling something is wrong in your otherwise healthy relationship.”
From her experience Jo, 25, agrees. She and Luke had been going out for a year when he started having after‑dark dates with a female friend he’d previously only met for lunch. Not surprisingly Jo was jealous and suspected something was going on.
“It turned out Luke’s friend had just changed jobs and things were so hectic she didn’t take a lunch break. Once I found this out I felt a bit stupid,” says Jo, but she points out, “If something had been going on at least I would have been aware of it instead of blindly carrying on as usual.”
And now for the good news
Believe it or not, his female friends can improve your relationship. If Vicky’s a friend from work, he can moan to her about the problems he has there and, when he comes home, you’ll only have to listen to the edited highlights.
And so what if you don’t share his interest in football but his mate Lisa does? It means you don’t have to feel bad when you tell him you won’t stand on a freezing terrace for hours ‑ he can go with her. And when they’re forlornly waving their stripy scarves in the sleet, you’ll be cosily tucked up at home with a box of chocolates, a bottle of wine and a Keanu Reeves video.
And think about all the men you know who have female friends. You can bet your last penny they’re more sensitive and trustworthy than men who only hang out with other men, getting drunk and communicating in lad‑speak. If they spend time talking about feelings with a female friend, it stands to reason they’ll be more emotionally developed and in touch with their feelings.
And, finally, remember no one person can give another everything they need in life ‑ so, unless they really are after him, try to look at your boyfriend’s female friends in a positive way. See the time he spends with them as a way of him expanding his mind. He’ll learn a lot more about himself and the world from a different perspective. And, hopefully, he’ll be a whole lot better for it ‑ and a whole lot better for you, too.
Fending off a predator
If you do have strong suspicions that his so-called female ‘friend’ is a romantic Jurassic Park Raptor in disguise, you can take action. First of all, meet her. The best way to deal with a behind-your-back situation is to confront it. Let her see you with your boyfriend. Be nice and chatty – a clever way to get the moral high ground over her. If she’s after your man she’ll be less likely to have an affair with him after she’s met her real-life rival (especially if she likes you). Suddenly the complications and guilt-potential of what she’s contemplating will spring into sharp focus and might just put her off. And your boyfriend gets to see what a kind, lovely person you are and how petty her scheming looks in comparison. Enough said.
Too close for comfort
So, where does that leave you? The debate over whether men and women can have platonic relationships rages on. If you’ve been out with a guy who has close female friends, you’ll know how hard it is to deal with the mixed emotions his friendships create. You find yourself wondering: How close are they? What do they talk about when they go out? Does he discuss his deepest thoughts with her? Do they talk about you?
With all these questions running around in your head, it’s no wonder you ask yourself why he has to have female friends. Is he trying to keep you on your toes? Is he having an affair behind your back? Aren’t you enough for him? Thoughts like this can get out of hand very quickly!
But, as Anne Hooper, sex therapist and author of Anne Hooper’s Ultimate Sex Guide says, “It’s natural to have friends of both sexes. The world would be a boring place if we had to screen out 50% of the people in it.”
This means it’s not the sex of his friends that’s important but the type of female friends he has (which is largely out of your control), and the way you handle them (which is definitely within your control). These factors will decide the effect his women friends have on your relationship.
The shock of the new
One thing that’s hard to take is a new female friend making an appearance once your relationship is established. Laura, 22, had a difficult time with her boyfriend Tim when he started college and made friends with Sara. Laura understood he was in a new environment and wanted to meet other new students, but Sara was a nightmare. She’d ring and giggle when Laura answered, then coyly ask to speak to Tim. “She’d call at all hours and never tried to chat with me,” says Laura. “It was obvious she had no respect for my relationship with Tim. I might as well have not existed – I’m sure she wished I didn’t.”
At first, Tim couldn’t see it. He thought Laura was just jealous. Then he did a Will Carling and met Sara one night without telling Laura, simply because he didn’t want to annoy her. But like Julia Carling, who blew her top over Will’s tête‑à-têtes with the late Princess Diana, Laura was livid. “It was the worst thing he could have done,” she fumes. “I was really upset and thought they were having an affair. Why else would he go behind my back? What really upset me was that I didn’t believe she was just a friend. A real friend wouldn’t threaten a guy’s relationship with his girlfriend.”
So, to figure out if you need to worry or not, look closely at their friendship and see how it affects you. As Laura says, “If both of them make it obvious you’re above her in the pecking order, it’s okay. But if she’s trying to wheedle her way higher up than you in his affections, you’ve got problems.” And if he can’t see through her or doesn’t want to, you’ve got a big problem. Ask yourself if he's just playing the two of you off against each other, and using her as a way of making sure you don’t get too close or start feeling too comfortable. If this is how your boyfriend sees his female friends ‑ and you ‑ it makes you wonder whether he deserves any of you.
Leave them to it
On the other hand, if he ‑ and his female friends ‑ make every effort to acknowledge your special place in his heart, and treat you with respect, then their friendship is probably genuine. In which case the best thing you can do for all your sakes is just leave them to it.
“Louise has known my boyfriend Steve for years, they were at school together, and are both comic fans,” says Kara, 28. “Every time they go to a convention Steve asks me along, too. But I went once and was bored, so now they go without me. I can’t say I’m thrilled. But I’m okay about it because Louise is always polite to me and makes a point of asking me about my life when she phones. If I put my foot down and demanded Steve stopped going, he probably would... but I think he’d hate me for it. Anyway, I can’t watch him 24 hours a day. I have to trust him, otherwise our relationship couldn’t survive.”
Kara’s obviously thought through her natural feelings of jealousy but, if we’re honest, we do worry sex may enter the most innocent friendship. Why? Simply because sometimes we get lonely and need a confidence boost, and there they are, ready and maybe more able than we suspected.
Take this scenario: you and your partner have had a row, you storm off to stay at your mum’s, he calls up an old female pal to help drown his sorrows. If she’s there for him when you’re not, there’s always the chance the ‘sympathy‑sex’ card gets played. Says Hooper, “In this situation, what happens is beyond your control. The only person who’ll stop him having sex with his female friends is himself.”
But don’t tear your hair out just yet. The way you behave can either boost his self‑control ‑ or make him more tempted. “My ex always wanted to know every detail when I went out with my one female friend,” says Mark, 26. “I got sick of her jealousy. And I felt insulted. I trusted her not to play around, so why couldn’t she trust me?”
He has a point. Just as you can fancy a man, but not jump into bed with him, if your partner is committed to your relationship he’s capable of keeping a female friend at arm’s‑length, too. However, to keep this delicate balance intact Hooper believes you’ve got to face the fact that there will be an attraction between your boyfriend and his female friends. “With any friendship there’s an attraction between the people involved, it may be a sense of humour, it may be liking the way they look or their intelligence. But don’t confuse this attraction with sexuality. And don’t let your jealousy push him into seeing her in a sexual way just because you automatically assume that’s the way he sees her. Jealousy has a tendency to create its own problems in the end.”
So, if you can, take a deep breath and force yourself to give him space. Otherwise you’ll run the risk of forcing him into her arms instead of yours.
It’s only natural
But before you rush off for counselling because you’ve been known to get a bit jealous, it’s important to remember a dose of green‑eyes isn’t always negative. It’s perfectly natural and healthy to have some jealous feelings towards the other women in your man’s life ‑ it shows an interest in keeping him, and proves you value him. “Your jealousy is your antenna,” explains relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam. “It’s your way of feeling something is wrong in your otherwise healthy relationship.”
From her experience Jo, 25, agrees. She and Luke had been going out for a year when he started having after‑dark dates with a female friend he’d previously only met for lunch. Not surprisingly Jo was jealous and suspected something was going on.
“It turned out Luke’s friend had just changed jobs and things were so hectic she didn’t take a lunch break. Once I found this out I felt a bit stupid,” says Jo, but she points out, “If something had been going on at least I would have been aware of it instead of blindly carrying on as usual.”
And now for the good news
Believe it or not, his female friends can improve your relationship. If Vicky’s a friend from work, he can moan to her about the problems he has there and, when he comes home, you’ll only have to listen to the edited highlights.
And so what if you don’t share his interest in football but his mate Lisa does? It means you don’t have to feel bad when you tell him you won’t stand on a freezing terrace for hours ‑ he can go with her. And when they’re forlornly waving their stripy scarves in the sleet, you’ll be cosily tucked up at home with a box of chocolates, a bottle of wine and a Keanu Reeves video.
And think about all the men you know who have female friends. You can bet your last penny they’re more sensitive and trustworthy than men who only hang out with other men, getting drunk and communicating in lad‑speak. If they spend time talking about feelings with a female friend, it stands to reason they’ll be more emotionally developed and in touch with their feelings.
And, finally, remember no one person can give another everything they need in life ‑ so, unless they really are after him, try to look at your boyfriend’s female friends in a positive way. See the time he spends with them as a way of him expanding his mind. He’ll learn a lot more about himself and the world from a different perspective. And, hopefully, he’ll be a whole lot better for it ‑ and a whole lot better for you, too.
Fending off a predator
If you do have strong suspicions that his so-called female ‘friend’ is a romantic Jurassic Park Raptor in disguise, you can take action. First of all, meet her. The best way to deal with a behind-your-back situation is to confront it. Let her see you with your boyfriend. Be nice and chatty – a clever way to get the moral high ground over her. If she’s after your man she’ll be less likely to have an affair with him after she’s met her real-life rival (especially if she likes you). Suddenly the complications and guilt-potential of what she’s contemplating will spring into sharp focus and might just put her off. And your boyfriend gets to see what a kind, lovely person you are and how petty her scheming looks in comparison. Enough said.
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